Dear Friend,

Welcome to the first tool post in the toolkit series for Dropping Stress and Anxiety Levels.

I’ll be the first to admit I used to always roll my eyes at the idea of using meditation as a tool. It was so, so, SO hard for me to start the practice, so why did so many people keep recommending it? Ugh, didn’t they know how annoying it was to be told to try being present and mindful and focus on the breath when I felt like I was vibrating out of my skin with anxiety or like I was deep in the bottom of a well of depression? Like, y’all, really?

For so many times of trying, I kept getting distracted and left every attempt feeling frustrated. I found it especially hard since I often started trying to get into meditation during some of my worst mental health periods – either I was extremely down on myself or so anxious I felt like I couldn’t see straight and like I was grasping at any recommendation that might help. When I tried meditating, it was next to impossible for me to find stillness and mindfulness in the moment when my mind was running at max speed on a rumination highway.

What didn’t work for me when I tried to start a meditation practice in those headspaces were:

• Focus on the breath
  • When I was deep in a depressive episode or dealing with severely heightened anxiety, my breath was often either too slow or too fast, and focusing on it had me worrying an asthma attack or a panic attack was imminent. Logical? No, but that’s where my mind went more often than not in my first few attempts at building a practice.
• Focus on an affirmation
  • I had limited success with this at first. While I could find an affirmation I liked and could focus on it for a minute or so at a time, I didn’t feel like doing so was helping at all. In fact, sometimes it made me more anxious because it felt like I was lying to myself.
• Set a timer and try to watch my thoughts pass by like clouds or the messages on the ring around an arena.
  • For a long time, this was a surefire way to send me into a rumination spiral, which was absolutely NOT the goal of the practice.

Looking back, I know I was very against even trying it in the first place, let alone trying again and again. Part of the reason for being so anti-meditation was that I was looking for a quick fix, an immediate solution, anything, really, to feel better NOW. Heh, welp, meditation was and is definitely NOT a quick fix for me, but it has become a very worthwhile ongoing practice.

What did work, and helped me finally build a practice, was guided meditations. I found this one from The Lune Innate to be most helpful; it has always made me feel comforted and safe. A shorter one I like to do is a coffee or tea meditation like this one.

As for focusing on affirmations, I’m at a point now where, even when it initially feels like lying to myself, I still persist in telling myself positive affirmations and rewriting my personal stories because I know my brain will start to believe it eventually. I actually started affirmation work in 2017, before I realized my medication was failing, because I felt something was wrong, and I needed to see positive messages. I started my affirmation and reminder boards in my Instagram saved folders that year and have steadily added to them since it makes it easier now to find a phrase I want to focus on in meditation or simply as a reminder to say to myself throughout the week.

I’ve even reached a point where I can practice seeing my thoughts passing by. If I get too distracted, I return to counting my breath (in 2, 3, 4; hold 2, 3, 4; out 2, 3, 4; hold 2, 3, 4 – boxed breathing is my go-to breathwork practice because it usually doesn’t aggravate my asthma). This form of meditation brings me the most insight, from watching my thoughts with patience and curiosity, after spending months building a practice of starting at 2 minutes and adding a minute per week. I’m now able to practice this form of meditation for 15 minutes or more at a go. However, after several minutes, my dog is usually jumping all over me for playtime, so I usually can’t fit in more than 15 minutes unless I practice right when I get up or right before bed. 😅

But why keep trying if it is so hard? Good question, thanks for asking. For me, I had several motivations:

• I found that my stress monitoring app showed lower levels (based on heart rate) on days I meditated.
• On days I was able to stay calm throughout the meditation practice, I felt so much more grounded and relaxed afterward, even when only doing breathwork for a minute or more. It made me curious about how much more chilled out I could feel if I practiced longer.
• I sleep better on days I meditate, especially when I also hit my hydration and movement goals, but even if I just meet two of the three, my sleep is usually significantly better per my Auto Sleep tracker app.
• On days I meditate, I am often less grouchy afterward and I find it easier to practice pausing to respond rather than having a quick reaction.
• All in all, I just like the way I feel when I meditate, which is why I kept trying to build the practice and why I keep it up regardless of my stress or anxiety levels.

By meditating regularly, I find myself more resilient and better able to handle the days when I do have heightened levels. As my therapist often reminds me, it is important to practice my tools when I’m feeling good so that it is easier to use the tool when I’m not feeling good.

As my meditation practice has grown over the past few years, I still find guided meditation is the easiest for me to use, especially if my symptoms have spiked. When I’m in a good headspace, I can do the breath focus, affirmation focus, or watch my thoughts flow by, but I didn’t reach that point until I had tried multiple times and had built a steady practice with guided meditations first.

Of course, I’m not saying that meditation will “absolutely, without a doubt, guaranteed, I swear” be a fantastic tool for your toolkit since the right tools vary depending on what works for YOU. The best advice I can share when seeking new tools for your toolkit is to give each one a fair chance to work. A fair chance in my experience has meant trying it for a few weeks, building slowly. If it still isn’t working for you, that’s absolutely okay. It just means it isn’t the right tool for the moment. If it still interests you, you can try it again later. It’s good to practice curiosity and give yourself the grace to try new things or try things again.

What about you? Do you have a regular or semi-regular meditation practice? If so, what keeps you practicing? If not, why are you most interested in building one?

Until next time, I wish you ease in trying new things, comfort in practicing old faithful ones, and many moments of peace throughout your week.

Love,

Katie