Tag: mental health

Miracle Pill…

Katherine Hanson2 Comments

So this came through my email a few minutes ago thanks to Live Nation…I don’t even have this artist listed as a favorite, so why this came to me today, I don’t know. That said, it REALLY makes me angry when people judge others for using medication to manage mental health.

Dear Goo Goo Dolls,

Not cool. As someone who takes medication to manage suicidal ideation and panic attacks, this facetious “Are you sad? Take a pill.” commentary is not only offensive, but blatantly adds to the already overwhelming stigma other mental health warriors face. And given National Suicide Prevention Day just passed, I find this even more unsavory- how insensitive can one be? It makes light of the many struggles people face before they even muster up the courage to seek help. Do you know how long and hard I fought with myself before I chose to seek medical help over taking my own life? Do you know the hell I went through when my first medication failed and I had to taper off it entirely before I could even begin to try another one? Do you honestly think I wasn’t also in therapy, surrounded by concerned love ones, and still fighting with every breath not to give in to the overwhelming urge to end my life?

Do you know what it’s like to feel like the you that is “you” is no longer in control of your body? Do you know the overwhelming guilt and shame I felt, knowing I was hurting everyone around me? Do you know that the real issue isn’t that I was “being selfish” and “only thinking of my own pain”, but that I honestly believed I was such a burden to EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE, that the only thing I could do to make things right by those I love, would be to remove myself permanently? Do you know, can you even possibly imagine, how it feels to have that thought running through your head at full volume 24 hours a day for months on end? As the you that is “you” keeps trying to remind yourself that you aren’t a burden and people would be hurt if you left? Do you know how hard it is to convince yourself that you need to stay when everything in you is saying you should go? Do you know what it is like to be afraid to breathe too deeply because it isn’t “you” controlling your body and you are literally terrified that any small move you make will be the one that allows the depression to fully take over, to lift your body off the couch and head to the kitchen and…? Do you have any idea, any at all, how scary that is? How much it hurts? How much I still look back and wish I never had to face those thoughts? Do you know that I TRIED to heal myself without medication? Do you know it is simply one of the MANY tools in my mental health kit to keep myself sane and functioning as a member of my family, my friend circle, my job, and society in general? 

How DARE you belittle the struggle the goes in to even contemplating using medication. And how DARE you shame those who are willing to use ANY tool they can in their battles to KEEP. MOVING. FORWARD. To keep surviving. To keep choosing to stay. Shame on you.
So no, I won’t be buying your new music. Ever. And yeah, you probably don’t care. That’s fine. I got this off my chest. And if someday you see it and it makes you pause for just a moment, that makes this rant worth it.
With all due respect, I sincerely hope you grow up. 

Yours Sincerely,
Katie

Carrying Guilt

Katherine HansonLeave a comment
Cartoon depicting stick figure hauling a weight labeled "Guilt"
ID 121202141 © Zdenek Sasek | Dreamstime.com

Hello dear friend,

I’m not sure what to write today. What I had planned to share, upon discussing it further with the person involved, well – permission to share was rescinded to preserve their mental health. And that’s absolutely okay – it is their story to share if and when they are ready and while I think it offers an important perspective in terms of mental health journeys, I’m not willing to jeopardize their journey in favor of clarifying my own. I’m…well, I’m sad and worried and regretful that my mental health journey is still such a pain point for them when I am doing so much better. So I guess what I want to talk about today is guilt.

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Out of the Chamber – this battle has been won.

Katherine Hanson1 Comment

Wide angle top view of the Initiation Well with no tourists in Sintra, Portugal
ID 115038471 © Saaaaa | Dreamstime.com 

Hello dear friend, 

As mentioned at the close of yesterday’s post, the remainder of my recovery journey to now had a few other bumps. I’ll be discussing those moments of backtracking before continuing with how positive things have been. As with previous heavy topic posts, please note that this one may be a painful read, at least for the first few paragraphs – if you want to skip it, I understand. The post does include mentions of suicide, so if that is a trigger for you, please go ahead and avoid this post, or proceed with caution. Okay? Okay. ❤ 

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Stronger, better, happier…Me.

Katherine HansonLeave a comment

Wide angle bottom-up view of the Initiation Well in Sintra, Portugal
ID 115125398 © Saaaaa | Dreamstime.com 

Hello dear friend, 

As promised at the end of yesterday’s post, today I’ll be discussing how things got better for me – how I went from panic attacks daily to happier than I’ve been in over a decade.  

If you want to listen to Champion (Remix), It Gets Better, and Happy while reading this one, they are the songs I think about when looking back at last year. 

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Not in my blood…

Katherine Hanson3 Comments
Selfie with bulldog
March 2018 – Depression – when even cuddling with Gunnyroo failed to draw a real smile…

Hello dear friend, I hope you are well. 

I’ve decided to split the discussion of 2018 into two posts – this first one will deal with what is arguably the worse months of my life to date and the second will deal with going from utter and complete darkness to fully believing the universe has my back.  As with yesterday’s post, I know this one is a hard read, so feel free to skip it if you worry it will trigger you in any way, or proceed with caution. Okay? ❤

As I think back on the first half of 2018, I can’t help but think of the Shawn Mendes song “In My Blood” – I don’t think there is another song that better encapsulates my mindset from October 2017-July 2018.  

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The Me that Isn’t Me – Nox

Katherine Hanson2 Comments
Black smoke billows out of open doorway
ID 23707842 © Dale Stork | Dreamstime.com 

Hello dear friend, I hope you are doing well.  

Whew, okay. Today’s post is going to be…yeah. I’m hoping cathartic for me and somehow useful for you. Note that I will be discussing the onset and persistence of suicidal thoughts in this post, so if that is a trigger for you, please skip this one or proceed with caution. As always, if you or someone you love needs help, please reach out for help – https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/.
Let’s go. 

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Duct tape and a prayer…

Katherine HansonLeave a comment

rusted car held together by duct tape
ID 131752207 © Konstantin Kolosov | Dreamstime.com 

Hello again, dear friend. 

We left off yesterday with Susie and I both shattered.  

I mentioned yesterday that Susie and I found ourselves saying over and over again “We can’t handle this. It’s too much. It’s too much. Something’s gotta give. We can’t take any more than this.” As we limped our way through 2013-2015, we often found ourselves discussing how we were making it through only because we were somehow held together with duct tape and a prayer. There was more than one occasion where one or the other of us actually placed a piece of duct tape on our skin as a reminder to keep going. Hah, I actually remember taking a trip to Target specifically to buy fun colored duct tape for that purpose.  Silly of us, but cute, no? There were many things that acted as duct tape for us, helping to hold us together as we stumbled our way through trying to heal. 

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Shattered…

Katherine HansonLeave a comment
Pieces of Broken Shattered glass on black
ID 107317832 © Arsgera | Dreamstime.com 

Hello dear friend, 

Over the course of the next few posts, I will be discussing my journey from being entirely shattered to loving myself as I was, am, and will be. I freely admit that I’m a bit nervous about writing these posts – I know they cover a lot of darkness in my life and I’m a bit afraid of delving back in to those moments, but I…well, I just know, somehow, that it is important for me to share my journey because I am living proof that it does get better. It is worth holding on. That said, the following few posts deal with grief, suicidal ideation and other depressive thoughts, and anxiety and panic attacks in detail. If you find that is difficult for you to read at this time, please feel free to skip the posts from now through April 21. I do invite you to return for my post tentatively planned for 4/22, when I discuss coming out of the dark and finding myself again. Okay? Okay.

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The Chamber of the Ordeal

Katherine Hanson1 Comment
The famous initiation well of the Quinta da Regaleira, masonic spiral staircase of the romantic age in Sintra, Portugal, on February 5, 2019
ID 139194034 © Alessandro Cristiano | Dreamstime.com 

Hello dear friend, I hope you are doing well.

I touched on the Chamber of the Ordeal in yesterday’s post, but I want to talk about it a bit more today, before I jump in to the story of my own experience starting in tomorrow’s post.  For me, the journey out of the Chamber of the Ordeal has been quite a bit like the photo above – full of twists and turns, quite a bit of darkness, but also archways and a ceiling letting in the light.  

As I mentioned yesterday, I think we all face the Chamber at some point in our lives. Some of us, like Kel, face it over and over again, with various levels of intensity. I don’t know where you are on your own journey – whether you have made it safely out of the Chamber, whether you are still trapped within it while facing your own demons and feeling terrified that you will never find your way out, whether you can see the door opening to let you out – or draw you in – but I know that it is never an easy battle to face.  

I don’t know what fears and perceived faults you have, I don’t know what demons you have fought, and may still be fighting, but I do know this: Your pain is valid. Your battle is valid. What you face during your Ordeal may not be a challenge for someone else, but your Ordeal is an Ordeal because of how it impacts you. No one else can truthfully tell you that whatever you have experienced is in any way, shape, or form, less valid than someone else’s experiences, because no one else has lived your life, no one else can truly stand in your shoes.  

I keep thinking about the following verse from “Wait for It” on the Hamilton soundtrack:  

“Death doesn’t discriminate 
Between the sinners and the saints 
It takes and it takes and it takes 
Yeah, we keep living anyway 
We rise and we fall and we break 
And we make our mistakes 
And if there’s a reason I’m still alive 
When everyone who loves me has died 
I’m willing to wait for it 
I’m willing to wait for it”   

That bit about how “we rise and we fall and we break” really resonates with me. On this journey of mine there have been many points where I have risen higher than I thought possible, when I’ve been showered with praise and placed on a bit of a pedestal, but gosh, I have absolutely experienced the fall from that pedestal and I have not just broken, but shattered to the point that I wasn’t sure if I could be put back together and be the same person.  

And isn’t that what the Chamber of the Ordeal seeks to do? To make you fall and break, because it is seeking out those points of weakness in you – and yes, the battle to be able to rise again is the hardest you’ll ever face, no matter how many times you face it.  But please believe me, my friend! I know you are strong enough to keep fighting, no matter how many times you have to face the Ordeal. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your own battles, however large or small, I know you have the strength and ability to walk out as the amazing and capable white knight you are.  

I also know that we are all blessed to be able to call on the help of others during our own battles with the Ordeal – a luxury that the squires in Tamora Pierce’s books are unable to claim – and I want you to know that you should never feel guilty about or unworthy of asking for assistance. Sometimes being our own knight means knowing when we need to call in reinforcements. Whether that means turning to your friends and family, a member of your community who you trust, or even a kind stranger, please know that there are always hands open and ready to take yours.   

And in case you need it now, here are some resources for you: 

https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/

https://psychcentral.com/find-help/

https://www.7cups.com/

https://www.betterhelp.com/

Side note – Do feel free to check Groupon for a deal if you decide to use BetterHelp– that’s what I did when I signed up in January 2018.  

Wherever you are on your journey, my friend, please know that I am here for you, standing in the light and shaking a set of brightly colored pom-poms, rooting for you to win all your battles with the Chamber. Keep fighting, my friend. You’ve absolutely got this. ❤ 

Until next time, and with love always, 

Katie