Hello dear friend,
I hope you are doing well and enjoying this last month of the year (and the decade, whoa – time flies). Today, I want to talk about my mental health journey (yes, again, haha – kind of becoming the main theme here, isn’t it?).
I know my posts have shown, as has my daily life, that I have improved so, so much since 2018. I had my last fight with multiple panic attacks in a single day back in October 2018. Since then, I had a few panic attacks in January and May/June due to family health issue news, but all in all, my anxiety has been pretty well controlled.
But I guess I just want to be up front with you, you know? So I’m letting you know that I had another panic attack yesterday and again this morning. I’m not going to discuss the trigger, because that’s personal and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it at the moment.
But I guess…I just want to share that it is okay to backslide a bit. It is okay to acknowledge that managing mental health, particularly with ongoing disorders and treatment, is a journey that may not have a destination. And that’s okay. It’s okay to think it sucks, too.
And yet, I know I’ve come so far. I don’t see this as a setback (weird, right? Past self would be shocked). But I don’t see this as a setback because I felt the new programming I’ve been working on kick in to fight the voice of Nox. So when Nox said “I can’t deal with this, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, everything is going to fall apart, everything is going to be worse than I can possibly fix”….I replied, “I can deal with this. This is temporary and it is okay to feel panic and anxious and scared. But everything is NOT going to fall apart and even if it does, I can handle it. Besides, what if everything works out? What if the situation resolves itself in a way that is so much better than I expect? It has happened before and can and WILL happen again.” So I guess…I just want to say it does get better. No, it doesn’t make the panic attacks any easier to handle, maybe, but…I haven’t had as many of them – a few every few months is SOOOO much better than when I was having over five a day. And I can see how much the work I’ve been doing to manage my mental health and build resiliency is helping – because past me? Past me couldn’t make the reply I made to Nox yesterday and today.
Moreover, I now know that even when I fall apart, even if I do somehow fall as far as I did in spring 2018, I have the strength to overcome that. I’ve done it before and I can and will do so again whenever necessary. Is it easy? Ha, no, not in the slightest.
But I know the Universe has my back. I know things happen FOR me, not TO me. I know that somehow this experience and this situation is helping me grow. And that – that does make it easier. Because I know it means I can make it through any situation – maybe I’ll be crying and hyperventilating as I make it through, but that’s okay because I’ve got this. And I know if I’ve got this, then so do you. And that’s not to say my journey is worse than yours – I would NEVER say that, my friend, because I haven’t walked in your shoes nor lived your experiences. But you are here now, reading this, and that tells me you are a strong person, too, even and most especially when you don’t feel like it.
So, if you will, let’s make a promise together, okay? I promise you I won’t give up on my journey no matter how tough it gets. I promise you I will continue to repeat that the Universe has my back and that everything is happening FOR me not TO me, so that I am reaffirming that even when it is hard to believe it, because past and future me know it to be true, even when present me can’t believe it. I promise you I will find the beauty and lessons in the darkness whenever I face it. Will you promise me that, too? If you can’t, that’s okay. If you won’t, that’s okay. Because I’ll still keep those promises to you, and to me.
It’s okay that this journey is sometimes somehow uphill through several feet of snow while the storm continues to blow. It’s okay that the journey is sometimes somehow facing a roadblock – be that falling deep into a well of darkness and having to find a way to climb back out or facing some other fear or challenge. It’s okay because the beauty is in the journey, right? Right.
Until next time, and always, sending you so much love and as much light and energy as I’m able to channel for you and me. ❤
P.S. This is the playlist I return to again and again when I am able to catch a panic attack before it gets bad…and when I have calmed down enough to focus on it when a panic attack has passed: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4kG398C3GvGn6M9HGqYtUCACbtIOmX2s. I hope it helps you, too. ❤